Not So Brilliant: Opening it the week after students leave for the summer. No drunken students stumbling in at 3am ordering  Moons Over My Hammy until September.

Why’d I write this post? So I could say “Moons Over My Hammy”.

And you don’t get more underdog-gy (underdoggy? under-doggy?) that those poor unfortunate No. 16-seeds that get pitted against the No. 1-seeds in Round Two (which used to be Round One, but now that they’ve added more teams and play-in games, they had to create a whole new round.  They should call it the “Play-In Round” and not Round One.  Too confusing.  But I digress).

There’s never any chance in hell that one of these No. 16-seeds will beat a No. 1-seed (No. 1 seeds are 104-0 all-time against No. 16 seeds), but at least this year Pizza Hut is making it interesting.

If by any sort of miracle a No. 16 seed defeats a No. 1 seed in the second round, Pizza Hut will be rewarding America with free pizza.

“If a 16 seed wins, America wins,” says Kurt Kane, CMO at Pizza Hut.  “An upset of this magnitude would be an unmatched sports moment, which deserves an unmatched celebration from Pizza Hut.”

I don't even particularly *like* Pizza Hut pizza, but free pizza is free pizza.

If the impossible does occur, Pizza Hut will load up its mobile kitchen and embark on a road trip of epic proportions. The Pizza Hut party tour will travel to each of the 48 contiguous states in the United States to hand out free slices of pizza at designated locations.

Pizza lovers, basketball junkies, and fans of the “Cinderella Story” can follow along on Twitter by using the hashtag #pizzachampions.

So, what are the chances this year?  Abysmal, as usual.

Going into tonight’s Round Two games, the No. 16-seeds left in the tournament are University of Texas San Antonio (v. Ohio State), Boston University (v. Kansas), Hampton University (who?) ( v. Duke), and University of North Carolina-Asheville (v. Pitt).  I’m thinking that none of those teams are likely to pull off an upset, keeping that longstanding record going strong.

Thanks for the thought Pizza Hut, but we all know damn well you’re not going to be loading up any pizza tour bus, this or any year.  And, even if you did, I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t be traveling anywhere near New York’s Capital Region.  So, there’s really no point in me even writing this post, is there?

And, for what it’s worth, I did do a bracket.  Here’s who I’ve got going to the Final Four: UNC, Kansas, Duke, and Florida.  I did not pick any No. 16-seeds to beat any No. 1-seeds (my momma didn’t raise no dummies).  I’ve got no money riding on it, but I still think it’s fun to watch the tournament shake out!

Seriously? We need a g-d MACHINE for these now?? How freakin' hard is it to get out a cupcake tin and pour in some batter? Plus this ridiculous contraption only makes 6 at a time!?! Wanna know how much this costs?

That's right - FIFTY BUCKS!!! Know how much a cupcake tin costs? About five bucks. Americans are beyond help.

And this one just made me laugh:

What's up there, sizzlechest?

I’d love to be more adventurous, really I would, but there are a few things that nag me about what I consider “weird foods”. Knowing full well that my foodie card is about to be revoked, perhaps I should explain myself with some specific items that give me the creeps:

• 

  Nope. No sir. Not gonna happen.

  Brains/other organs – really, as an American living in the land of plenty, I do not feel the need to eat “snout to tail”.  Livers, stomachs, tongues, cheeks, tails – all things that should be buried along with their now-dead owners.  I’d truthfully like to quit eating meat altogether, but I really do like hamburgers and boneless chicken wings.

• Insects/Worms/Arachnids – again, no need.  I get plenty of protein and don’t need bugs in my diet.  Plus they are squirmy and disgusting (especially worms).  They’re really not food.  Come on.
• Frogs – they are slimy and green. Yup, that’s my reason.
• Eggs, other than chicken – I’m not really sure why I’m averse to this one.  But, for some strange reason, the thought of quail eggs or duck eggs just makes me want to retch.  Probably just because I’ve never eaten anything other that chicken eggs.  Friends of mine (Alisa & Stephen) keep extolling the virtues of duck eggs, but the only way they’re going to get me to eat one is if they sneak it in an omelet they make for me.  Hint.
• Oysters/Clams/Mussels – I have been known to enjoy Oysters Rockefeller and fried belly clams, but I’m not a fan of the raw bivalves.  I have eaten them, and they remind me of cold mucus.  I’m done with them.  I tried.
• 

  Please don't eat me! I'm cute and fuzzy!

  Rabbit – I had a harrowing rabbit-as-food experience when I was a kid, and it will never leave me.  We were eating dinner at my grandparent’s house one night, and Grandma was cooking up a rabbit that Papa had apparently shot that afternoon.  I pulled up a chair to the kitchen sink, and peeked my little head over the side and saw the distinct shape of a rabbit, ears and all from what I remember, all skinned and purple.  I can still see that image in my head.  I can’t remember if I actually ate rabbit that night (I doubt it), but I know I have no interest in eating it now.  Heebie-jeebies.

• Goat – I would probably eat this if I was traveling in the Middle East.
• Whole Lobster – too much work, too many eyeballs and antennae, and too much green slimy stuff.  Lobster meat, lobster claws, lobster tails – all delicious and acceptable.
• Okra – I am sure it doesn’t taste all that bad, flavorwise, but every description I’ve ever read uses the words “slime” or “slimy”.  As in, “Certain cooking techniques will prevent your okra dish from being overly slimy”.  Which means, “Oh, it’s gonna be slimy, all right, nothing you can do about that.  But you can maybe cut down on the sliminess by 0.2% by deep fying and slapping some hot sauce on it.” I will not eat any food that has the slimy built right in.
• Tapioca Pudding – what the f*** is tapioca anyway? Okay, I know what tapioca is.  But why would I want to eat it?  The texture of those knobbly little slimy balls makes my stomach turn.  Add creamy milky pudding to that party, and get ready to swab the deck, Cap’n.  Same goes for Bubble Tea (yes, I know, it’s tapioca) and Cream of Wheat (yes, I know, not tapioca).  I just threw up on my keyboard.

Other weird food things about me:

• I will only order fish in a restaurant, and will never cook it at home.  Once bitten with food poisoning, twice shy.
• I enjoy day-old sub sandwiches, where the tomato and lettuce juices seep into the bread and make it mushy.
• I like to dip Wendy’s french fries into a Wendy’s chocolate Frosty.  I haven’t done this in years, but I know I like it.
• I freaking hate celery.
• I do not like Bailey’s Irish Cream.  Many people find this very odd.
• My favorite breakfast is a butter & peanut butter hardroll from Stewart’s.  Only 86 cents!
• I dislike regular raisins, but love golden raisins.
• I cannot tolerate sour things.  Have you ever heard of supertasters?  In a nutshell, supertasters are people who experience taste at intensity levels way beyond normal people.  Personally, I believe that I am a sour supertaster, as I am unable to even *think* about a sour food without my mouth watering and my lips puckering.  I have not been tested, but I know this is true.

What’s your food weirdness?

Fan of Ruth Reichl, former editor of Gourmet magazine and NYTimes food critic, more recently noted for her liltingly sweet and poetic tweets?  Check.

Fan of the Twitter mashup @RuthBourdain?  You’re NOT?  Get.over.there.now.  You’ll laugh your ass off, trust me.

What happens is this: Ruth Reichl posts one of her usual haiku-inspired tweets, describing a recent meal or experience.  Then Ruth Bourdain answers in short order, filtering the Ruth Reichl moment through the f-ed up mind of Anthony Bourdain.  Here’s an exhange from April:

“Fever dreams. So hungry. Caviar. Blini. Habanero salsa, shock waves of fire, electrical sparks. Soothing softness of polenta/mascarpone” – @RuthReichl

“Fever dreams. So hungry. Swaddled in a giant Blini. Caviar all over. Habanero salsa, lava, shock waves of fire, sparks. Need more morphine.” – @RuthBourdain

Another classic:

“Fried clams. Lemon. Fat asparagus, ancient balsamic. Hot crusty bread with cold, sweet butter. Sea urchins. Charred, rare porterhouse steak” – @RuthReichl

“Fried clams! Fat asparagus! OMFG: Sea urchins! Here comes porterhouse steak. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Oh no, Ruth needs a napkin!” – @RuthBourdain

And one more, from a couple days ago, because I can’t resist:

“Sour cherries. Raw. A taste as cold as splashed water on a hot morning. Tart shock reverberates. Wonderful way to start the day.” – @RuthReichl

“Sour cherries. Raw. A taste as cold as liquid nitrogen on my nipples on a hot morning.Tart shock reverberates. Horrible way to start the day” – @RuthBourdain

Bourdain goes on record to say he “loves Ruth Bourdain” (catch an interview with him on one of my favorite podcasts, Good Food), and is both flattered and disturbed by it.  Reichl has mixed emotions about the parody, but has said in public that she “finds him hilarious”.

Me too.  Or, as Bourdain might say, F*** yeah!

News broke tonight that oft-married, suspenders-wearing CNN host Larry King has decided to step down from his long running Larry King Live program this fall.  The media world is in a frenzy tonight.  25 years this guy was on TV.  Times Union blogger Kevin Marshall pondered the imponderable this evening, via Twitter:

Larry King’s retiring. NOW who’s gonna ask all the hard-hitting questions provided by publicists?! – @KevinMarshall

When asked by Bill Maher who he thinks should replace him, Larry King responded almost immediately. “Ryan Seacrest.  Although I don’t know how he feels about politics.”

Ryan Who-crest?  Never heard of him.  But I, my friends, have the answer – someone as ridiculous as Larry, yet well-known enough to maybe pull it off:

Andy Rooney, the Most Annoying Man in the Known Universe

It would be an utter trainwreck.  Must-see TV.  Get CNN on the horn.

You can never find coupons for healthy, nutritious food.  They’re always for processed crap that’s full of high-fructose corn syrup.

In a world with millions of starving people, we are a nation of greedy, malnourished fat-asses.

California is the perfect place for people who love the idea of fresh produce year round.  The *sad* part of this?   California’s government  is too f—ed up for me to actually want to live there.

There are people who actually eat Slim Jims.

I always *mean* to buy the fresh produce and nutritious snacks, but every time I go to Trader Joe’s I come home with pecan pralines, chocolate covered almonds, and 12 different kinds of cookies.

Polenta is delicious, but Fritos are easier.

Low fat macaroni and cheese always tastes better in theory than in reality.

Necco wafers are cute and nostalgic, but they make better classroom chalk than candy.

I hate salad.

The words “natural”, “gourmet”, and “artisanal” denote exactly nothing anymore; they’ve been coo-opted by Big Food and diluted to meaninglessness.

I have yet to hear anyone say anything complimentary about British cuisine.

The chocolate coating on Klondike Bars tastes weird.

I don't think it's really chocolate.

Sorry, no.  At least not here.  Yet.

Drivers in central North Carolina, however, have been experiencing the intoxicating scent of pepper and charcoal while out cruising on the open road – emanating from a billboard advertising steaks sold at the Bloom grocery chain (part of the Food Lion chain of stores owned by the Delhaize Group, which owns our own local favorite, Hannaford).  The billboard is located on a busy stretch of NC Route 150 in Mooresville, and features a giant fork spearing a piece of medium-rare beef.

I think my grandmother has that same fork hanging in her kitchen.

According to a Bloom spokesman,

[T]he billboard will emit scents from 7 a.m. to 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. every day until June 18.  A high-powered fan at the bottom of the billboard spreads the aroma by blowing air over cartridges loaded with fragrance oil.

The aromas wafting from the ad are created by synthetic chemicals created by company called ScentAir Technologies, the self-proclaimed “market leader of in-store scent solutions for brands and retailers”.   (Hmm… I smell another interesting post coming on…)

I guess, since smell is such a powerful sense, this has the potential to be very successful.  However, I question the real estate judgement here: in front of a stinky gas station, and right next to a pool of stagnant water?  Blech.

Let’s just hope they don’t try using this technology to sell diapers.

Yesterday, the Spro coffeeshop in Baltimore’s Hampden neighborhood started offering 12-ounce servings of Aida’s Grand Reserve for $13.  That comes out to a bit more than a dollar an ounce, and that’s for plain old black coffee, sans foam or other milk-accoutrements.

“It’s really a fantastic kind of coffee,” said Spro owner Jay Caragay. “It’s very juicy, fruity, good mouth feel, medium bodied.”

I’m sure it’s delicious, but really – thirteen dollars a cup?

Aida Grand Reserve is grown in El Salvador by a woman named Aida Batlle; Aida apparently operates three legendary estates which regularly produce award-winning coffees.  Ms. Batlle’s family has been coffee-farming for 5 generations, but the business didn’t flourish until Aida took the farms over.  (Here’s a link to a blog post that describes how she came to take over her farm, and how her coffee came to be so expensive.  I glossed over the parts about the “cupping” because the whole idea seems way too pretentious for me).

I love coffee.  Love love love it.  I will spend a little more to get good beans, but this seems like price gouging to me.  Perhaps I’m not as much of a coffee snob as I think I am.  Thank God, because if I were, I’d probably be broke.  I am somewhat snobby, though, as evidenced by my most recent purchase:

La Cafetière Titania 8-cup French Press

All that being said, if anyone in NY’s Capital District knows where I can get my hands on a cup of this stuff, I might be willing to try it, just to see if it’s worth it.  Anyone?

Profussor, this coffee would probably taste delightful with a donut.