I’m going to veer away from food-based posts today (the holiday baking will continue tomorrow), and use my bully pulpit to vent about proper workplace behavior.  I’m fairly certain most of these rules adhere to social conventions, but apparently there are people who do not possess the same common sense (and manners) that I do.  Please note: these rules do not necessarily refer to co-workers at my current workplace – some were witnessed at previous jobs.

  1. No extended conversations in the bathroom.  If the stall door is closed, there should be NO words emanating from behind them.  It’s private time, not happy hour.  I have mentioned this rule in a prior post, but I feel it is worth repeating.
  2. No disgusting personal hygiene should take place at your desk.  Brushing your hair is fine, clipping your fingernails is NOT.  Applying lipstick is acceptable, applying deodorant is NOT.
  3. Do not leave your dirty coffee cups and dirty lunch dishes by the sink for someone else to wash.  I am not your mother and I will not clean up after you!
  4. Do not sneak up behind your co-workers to try to scare them.  Some frighten easily, and some may have latent heart ailments that could cause instantaneous death if triggered.  And still others may turn around and stab you in the eye.
  5. Do not use the office telephone for long, personal conversations.  Al Gore invented the cell phone for those occasions.
  6. Learn when to stop talking and go back to your office.  If the object of your ramblings keeps looking at her computer screen, checking her watch, or reaching for the phone, you have overstayed your welcome.  Go back to your desk and do some work.  For God’s sake.
  7. If you drink the last bit of coffee from the coffeepot, it is your obligation to clean it and/or make a fresh pot.  At the very least, turn the machine off so the pot doesn’t burn, you idiot.
  8. Do not bore your coworkers with unnecessary details of your medical conditions.  If it’s not contagious, I don’t need to know about it.  Really.
  9. Speaking of contagious: if you are coughing, hacking, dripping, or feverish – WHY ARE YOU EVEN AT WORK?  Go home!  You’re making us all sick.  You are not indispensable.  If you got hit by a bus today, the office would somehow manage to keep running without you.
  10. There is no valor in not taking your vacation time.  Unless you are saving up your time for a once-in-a-lifetime monthlong trip to Europe, take your vacation days.  Everyone needs a break from the office.  And we need a break from you.  (See #9 above, regarding indispensability).

Feel free to add to my list.  I’m sure the freaks in your office do horrible things, too.