Perhaps I should have a better attitude about this.

On Friday, I was meeting with my friend Gail at her office, which happens to be the office I worked in a few years back.  She was telling me how she and a couple of my former co-workers started a weight-loss challenge.  Here’s how they do it: every Friday before lunch, they weigh in.  If they lost weight or stayed the same, they don’t have to pay.  If they gained weight, they have to put $10 in the pot.  At the end of the challenge, they’re going to use the money to have a party.  So far (about 6 weeks in), they are all doing very well, and there’s not a WHOLE lot of money in the pot.  I asked if they’d mind if I joined them (earlier that morning I had been horrified at a picture of me that appeared in the Times Union.  NO – I’m not posting a link).  So, I weighed in on Friday, and I joined the challenge.

I keep doing this – I cannot count how many times I have joined Weight Watchers over the years, only to give up in disgust after about 10 weeks or so.  ONE time, about 12 years ago, I actually managed to lose about 45 pounds – it was right before I got married, and I had tremendous motivation.  I know that I can do this – I just need to get to the bottom of WHY I keep sabotaging my own success.

I love food – that is obvious.  I also am lazy – again, no big secret.  Butd I am intelligent enough to understand the concept of “Eat less, move more.”  Somehow, though, I end up eating more and, well, sleeping more, too.  Sometimes I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience, watching myself eat food that I know I shouldn’t, even when I am not hungry.  Clearly, food is much more than sustenance for me.  It’s filling some void.  I have no self-control, and I’m not sure how to get some. 

I know that I am addicted to carbohydrates – I could probably eat an entire loaf of bread with butter in one sitting (I have never done it, but I’m pretty sure I could do it).  And once I start on sugar or carbs, I cannot stop.  This is why I almost NEVER eat bagels, donuts or other sweets for breakfast – it becomes an entire day of sugar/carbs.  And I’m not even going to mention the giant bowl of chocolates that sits in our secretary’s office.

Lately, I’ve been getting more and more depressed at the fact that my clothes are getting tighter.  I hate wearing jeans, because they are absolutely cutting off my circulation.  I’ve gone up another bra size.  I am beginning to gravitate towards elastic waistbands and stretchy shirts.  Mind you, my clothes are still very attractive, but the person inside them is NOT.  I’m beginning to hate myself and what I’ve allowed myself to become.  I abhor being the “fat one” among all of my skinny girlfriends.  They’d never say it to my face, but I know they must think it.

So what’s myproblem????  I don’t know.  But, I’m hoping that the thought of having to cough up $10 that I don’t really have will motivate me to get my fat ass to the gym and stop eating Girl Scout cookies. 

More later.

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