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Bursting at the Seams

March 22, 2009

Perhaps I should have a better attitude about this.

On Friday, I was meeting with my friend Gail at her office, which happens to be the office I worked in a few years back.  She was telling me how she and a couple of my former co-workers started a weight-loss challenge.  Here’s how they do it: every Friday before lunch, they weigh in.  If they lost weight or stayed the same, they don’t have to pay.  If they gained weight, they have to put $10 in the pot.  At the end of the challenge, they’re going to use the money to have a party.  So far (about 6 weeks in), they are all doing very well, and there’s not a WHOLE lot of money in the pot.  I asked if they’d mind if I joined them (earlier that morning I had been horrified at a picture of me that appeared in the Times Union.  NO – I’m not posting a link).  So, I weighed in on Friday, and I joined the challenge.

I keep doing this – I cannot count how many times I have joined Weight Watchers over the years, only to give up in disgust after about 10 weeks or so.  ONE time, about 12 years ago, I actually managed to lose about 45 pounds – it was right before I got married, and I had tremendous motivation.  I know that I can do this – I just need to get to the bottom of WHY I keep sabotaging my own success.

I love food – that is obvious.  I also am lazy – again, no big secret.  Butd I am intelligent enough to understand the concept of “Eat less, move more.”  Somehow, though, I end up eating more and, well, sleeping more, too.  Sometimes I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience, watching myself eat food that I know I shouldn’t, even when I am not hungry.  Clearly, food is much more than sustenance for me.  It’s filling some void.  I have no self-control, and I’m not sure how to get some. 

I know that I am addicted to carbohydrates – I could probably eat an entire loaf of bread with butter in one sitting (I have never done it, but I’m pretty sure I could do it).  And once I start on sugar or carbs, I cannot stop.  This is why I almost NEVER eat bagels, donuts or other sweets for breakfast – it becomes an entire day of sugar/carbs.  And I’m not even going to mention the giant bowl of chocolates that sits in our secretary’s office.

Lately, I’ve been getting more and more depressed at the fact that my clothes are getting tighter.  I hate wearing jeans, because they are absolutely cutting off my circulation.  I’ve gone up another bra size.  I am beginning to gravitate towards elastic waistbands and stretchy shirts.  Mind you, my clothes are still very attractive, but the person inside them is NOT.  I’m beginning to hate myself and what I’ve allowed myself to become.  I abhor being the “fat one” among all of my skinny girlfriends.  They’d never say it to my face, but I know they must think it.

So what’s myproblem????  I don’t know.  But, I’m hoping that the thought of having to cough up $10 that I don’t really have will motivate me to get my fat ass to the gym and stop eating Girl Scout cookies. 

More later.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Marlene permalink
    March 23, 2009 9:43 am

    Wendy,

    I have NEVER thought of you as “the fat one.” You are just Wendy.

    We have all been in need of losing weight as some point in our lives. If you would like, I can send you the diet that I followed when I lost weight.

    It’s pretty strict about the carbs but it works, and it’s easy to follow…no counting carbs or calories or anything. And I used to be just like you with the carbs. If you can follow this diet with no cheats for about a month the carb cravings will start to go away.

    Let me know if you’re interested and happy reducing!

    -Marlene

  2. Shannon permalink
    March 23, 2009 12:00 pm

    No, no, no, no….you are Wendy, My Red-Headed Friend. Or The Funny One, or The One That Is a Kick-Ass Cook. Or My Best Friend Who Put Up With A Lot of My S**t Over The Years.

    Never thought of you any other way and believe me, we would tell you. 🙂 I care about the stuff inside, not the outer package.

    You have no one to please but yourself. Who cares what anyone else thinks. To Hell with ’em! (And this is coming from The (reformed) Emotionally Destructive One of the bunch – I know you all thought it, haha)

    Decide that you want to do what is best for you and what will make you happy and DO IT! Whatever that decision is, we will always love you!

  3. Martin permalink
    March 23, 2009 4:55 pm

    Wendy, you are so amazing and one of my favorite people on the planet, so don’t get down on yourself or I’ll be really mad at you. Why don’t we bike ride together when the weather gets nicer?

    • wendalicious permalink
      March 23, 2009 5:37 pm

      Do I need a bike for that? I don’t have one. I don’t have to ride all the way down to your house, do I?

  4. Claire Lynch permalink
    March 24, 2009 4:30 pm

    Oh my dearst sweet niece,

    You just broke my heart reading this. I wish you could see yourself as I see you and as your friends see you. You are the most beautiful, talented, phenomonal woman. You are the child I brag on all the time.
    All those traits you have are not personal failings. You are human. And you come from a family who are all built like Grandpa (at least the women all have hair!) I am sure genetics plays a part, but it isn’t an excuse. We Lynch’s love food. We like to cook. I think we all have good intentions, and want to eat right and exercise, but we just don’t. We should. I know I can relate to the eating a loaf of bread thing. There were times of the month (when I used to have times of the month) when all I wanted was bread or carbs in any shape or form. I look in the mirror and I wonder when I became a twin.
    So, be gentle with yourself. Do what you want to become better healthier, if that is your goal. The number isn’t a goal, nor is a dress size. Feeling better physically and feeling better about yourself mentally should be your goal, and mine too. Whatever you do, however you are, you are you. You are my dearest sweet child of my heart. You are loved and you are more special than you will ever know.

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